Something funny(?) for a Sunday morning from The Witty Disciple.


Capernaum, Galilee – Two days ago, thousands of people were eating out of the palm of his hand (literally).  It took only one sermon to crash and burn all he had accomplished.

In an baffling disregard of a seeker-friendly ministry approach, trending pastor Jesus of Nazareth admonished a synagogue full of his followers yesterday that unless they “eat his flesh and drink his blood” they cannot have eternal life, according to multiple sources. The son of Joseph and Mary claimed to be the “bread of life” sent from the Father, so that those who believe would never hunger or thirst again. As a result of this cannibalistic teaching, thousands left the building in droves, never to come back into his fold.

“I’m horrified,” 42-year-old Jethro grumbled. “What kind of a pastor says that, not just in front of men, but women and children? That kind of imagery is completely inappropriate.”

The shocking message came just a day after Jesus miraculously fed over five thousand men, women, and children with five loaves of bread and two fish on the mountainside of Capernaum. With attendance at an all time high, Jesus had the opportunity to flourish with a fully stocked congregation of followers.

But now those followers are moving on.

“At first, I really enjoyed his sermons about the kingdom of God and the fellowship over food,” 28-year-old Lydia said. “I don’t know if he was serious about the eating people thing, but he crossed a line. When a teacher deliberately offends you like that, there’s no way that was from the Father.”

After the vast majority already left, the former carpenter didn’t show any signs of changing his reckless direction. In a post-sermon meeting, Jesus called one of his original 12 disciples a ‘devil’, according to sources